I know!

So I was reading in either Psalms or Isaiah or Jeremiah the other day....I can't remember, even though I've looked up the verse on multiple occassions. Can't recall. Anyways, there was a verse that stated something to the effect of "the heart is the most deceiving thing that exists." I found this very interesting. It makes sense. I mean, behind the most despicable individuals or acts or ludicrous things in life lies a person with a heart....and now we know about that heart ;0). I now find it amusing and helpful as it relates to coping with people in my field of work to think of their situations in terms of that stupid deceptive heart!! Of all of the people or systems or bureaucracies that plague my life, its funny to me to think that none of them has earned the label of most deceptive---not even the embodiment of Satan himself. The heart gets the award. None of these things are truths that I have not discussed with some of you previously---but aside from all the talk--here it is hiding in Jeremiah! Seems pretty cut and dry to me. Imagine a life in which our whole "spiritual strategy" was to kick our own heart's trash. Forget everyone else, focus on yourself---your heart is the problem here---it's the only thing truly fooling you. If you can master what your own jacked up heart thinks, you've won the war. But then does it know what it doesn't know or is it covering up what you don't know with what you think that you know and those that you know don't know what they know or don't know until LJ blogs a blog entitled 'I know!.' Hilarious. Again, nothing particularly revolutionary--but further confirmation that life is complicated because it's made of people and those gosh darn hearts!
Okay, I went and looked it up "The heart is more deceitful than all else And is desperately sick; Who can understand it?" Jeremiah 17:9

"You know what I'm sayin?!"

I spent THREE hours with a woman who said this to me approximately three times per minute. That's approximately 540 "You know what I'm sayin?!" 's. Ridiculousness at its best. "Miss Laura! I'm NOT an alcoholic--I can stop whenever I want, I just need my 6 beers a day to mellow! You know what I'm sayin?!"
My favorite part was when her child was throwing a full blown tantrum before having his blood drawn. His mom had made a deal with him that if he was brave, he could have a piece of candy. Since he starting crying again, Mom says "Fine! Then give me back my candy!" I've never seen anything so pathetic in my whole life....the boy gets up, tears streaming down his face, pulls the candy out of his mouth, and puts it in her hand as if to say "PLEASE don't make me do this---I'll do ANYTHING!" Children giving up candy is like me begging for my life. I couldn't help but laugh, it was just too funny.
Aside from surviving his blood draw, which required 7 people---4 nurses to hold, me and Mom holding and distracting, and 1 blood sucker---my biggest victory of the day was one of my children having a WHOLE day with NO time outs! You just don't understand, he had 6 yesterday! It's been an effort to motivate him to get his act together--and he worked his stuff today--Mom was almost in tears she was so proud. I drove to that baby's house just to tell him how proud I was of him. Too funny. And then I find myself crunching numbers for our "Summit City Security" budget---website soon to come! (no joke)
The other day I was writing a letter because I was angry and frustrated. With no one in particular, but simultaneously multiple people in particular. I knew faces were just a means to distract from more serious/lasting issues, so I just wrote it to no one--but wrote my frustrations. It was particularly hilarious because I felt as though it really summarized my restlessness, exhaustion, and frustration in 3-4 paragraphs (cause I'm good like that!)---but after reading it through a few times, I realized that what I had seemed to have written is what I suspect the Lord's frustrations with me are, currently. I immediately thought of the line I so often throw out regarding my 4 year olds "We see problems in others before we see them in ourselves." I don't know if its because I act a fool so much (don't answer this) but I think one of the reasons why I treasure working with children is because its so easy to understand how/why people are just complicated. Yes, sin is black and white much of the time, but people are complicated and life is hard sometimes. You know what I'm sayin?!

A page has turned?....or at least fluttered in the wind

The Lord has been good to me for a long time--but the fast few days its been spelled out in him opening my eyes to me being right where he wants me, vocation wise.  The past few months have been some of the most difficult emotionally, and physically...and whom I'm kidding spiritually, yet.  But I'm starting to feel like (and it feels like it almost happened overnight) I've got this.  

And not only that, but it being my first job and all--that reality very much translates into me feeling comfortable in my own skin--and that, my friends, cannot be bought.  

I think that I've had this idea in my head, for awhile, of who I want to be---and I'm just not that person--not that I couldn't be, but in some ways I don't think I want to be anymore.  

The other day I was pressuring Cleveland to talk to a higher up about someone on staff actin' a fool....my favorite line with him lately is that he's a big softy.  And he made a few comments about how he feels like he's a softy around me because I'm always pressuring him to toughen up on people.  And how I keep him on his toes.  It was quite humorous.  Today, I was working with a 6 year old on expressing anger appropriately--so we were making a list of things that help him to calm down---I suggested carrying a silly picture in his pocket and asked him if he had one.  The boy said "There's one!" And pointed to my ID badge!  DANG 6 YEAR OLD FACE BURN!  It was amazing, I gave him a high five.  I positively reinforced a face burn!!  Those are my ramblings, now I must go home.

The day I stole the Beatitudes

Friday was the last day for Taylor Fort Wayne.  I felt very grateful that the task to lock everything up for the last time fell on me...grateful that our campus wouldn't be closed by someone who didn't understand the full significance of the act.  I somehow managed to grasp onto denial until one of the HR reps handed me a box full of unmarked keys collected during exit interviews.  The box is still sitting on a desk in our now nearly emptied office.  All different shapes, sizes, colors, markings, some with lanyards still attached, some that look like John Tesh would have an opinion on their sanitary-"ness"  And one of these days I'll have to sort through them and cross off names, but not today.

Most of the appliances in the kitchen were uprooted and prepared for transport...as well as a hallway lined with pots, pans, and bags of cereal.  

I think walking through Witmer would've been easier if everyone had taken everything and there were just empty offices.  It just looked ransacked and abandoned.  Name plates were gone---some special individuals took some drywall off with theirs.  Many professors left piles of papers and posters and old coffee mugs.  There was at least one hallway full of stuff marked for transport to Upland.  One admissions counselor had taken most everything but left a poem entitled "We won't quit" sitting on top of the desk.  

By 6pm--Agnes was still loading a truck full of stuff, Tami was still finishing a few last data entry things, and I was helping Deb Shaw and Dr Platte move things into Brown Gables for the Alumni Office.  Some things won't ever change.  

It was weird and sad and surreal.  There is a song by Jon Foreman called "The House of God, Forever" that I've come to love in the past few weeks.  "God is my shepherd, I won't be wanting, I won't be wanting....he makes me rest in fields of green, by quiet streams....even though I'm walking through the valley of death and dying...I will not fear for you are with me...you're always with me...your shepherd staff comforts me....you are my feast in the presence of enemy....surely goodness will follow me...follow me in the house of God, forever..."

His faithfulness, gentleness, wisdom, presence, goodness.....in the journey of our alma mater, in our own lives separate and together, and what has yet to come...but we know that he causes all things to work together for good to those that love him.  

You should look up the song if you get a chance, the music really makes the song....

Coming to grips with reality

Today was a hard day. It seems as though I've had a lot of those lately. I was on the edge of tears a few times, but was able to get some good perspective from the parents and a coworker. My father made the comment that I don't necessarily make unrealistic expectations for myself, but that I set the bar higher for myself than anyone else does. After 5 minutes of ranting, he also tactfully reminded me that I signed up for this job knowing full well what was in store. As my Director says "It's just the nature of the Beast." Both of those things are accurate. Part of me thinks that (or maybe is just in denial) what is most defeating is that I'm not measuring up to my own personal standards. I don't find myself with the words I want or need, I don't find myself with the belief that I'm being effective at what I do. I think a lot of it is ignorance, I just don't understand how what I do is helpful some of the time. I think some of that stems from my lack of creativity due to lack of self confidence due to lack of energy/self discipline....5 points for you, if you followed that train.
So I've decided I'm in denial. I'm in denial about the reality that I'm only 23 and this is my first professional job, which I've been in for less than 5 months. I'm in denial about the reality that I am not as fast as I thought I was about learning. I'm in denial about my lack of self-confidence eroding my creativity. I'm in denial about what a mess my personal life is right now. I need more fixing than my babies do.

What's one more...

So I'm on this kick of telling you my kid stories from work...one of these days I'll have more motivation to move past that, but I'm entertained for now...
So, yesterday night I went to this house with 2 brothers. By far, poorest house I've been to yet. They clearly have no beds to sleep on--no furniture to sit on, their walls are covered with comic book posters. I knew that these boys were really excited for me to come--in fact I had one of them throw a tantrum when I had to reschedule my appt earlier in the week. I come in, am saying hi to everyone---the 5 year old says "Miss Laaaauuuurra! I have a surprise for you!" And I thought, "Aww, how cute." He leaves for a minute and then brings me a plastic cup filled with juicy juice---and his mom tells me he filled it at least 10 minutes prior for when I would come.
But then today, we were playing with the kids and one of my coworkers said to a child "We don't put our hands in our pants if we're earning water table." I laughed so hard---mostly because I understand exactly what she was talking about and who she was talking to without even looking...a child who loves to scratch her bottom, but puts her hand inside her pants....and it's not abnormal for me to hear a sentence like that in my day to day now. Hilarious!

That's 3, LJ....

I spend a good portion of my day telling my day treatment babies that it's okay to be angry. We strongly encourage expressing emotions----its what you do with it that's the problem, clearly. Every one of my babies will say they need to use their words, and not hit others. But here I sit, after a day like today, wondering what a grown adult does with their anger. I'm very angry. It's okay for me to be angry. But when do I get to throw my tantrum? I don't want to subject anyone to the words I have right now. And, truly, I know the answer to this situation---but sometimes I just want to kick and hit and cuss someone out. Let me know if you ever hear of an "adult time out" nonprofit.
In other news, I asked a kid what it meant to "be bad" today. He told me it meant he was being "hardheaded." Hilarious!