I hate the feeling that summer is fading away...

I do love a cool summer day. This one was not entirely optimal as it started off with me only having had 4 hours sleep, bummer. That's the price one pays for the drive-in-double-feature-best-Friday-night-of-my-summer-yet. But anyway, after a few quiet moments wandering around Taylor's campus I had a good conversation with a friend about spiritual matters...which, ironically, left me feeling less spiritually inclined despite us successfully staying on topic for at least 15-20 minutes. But essentially what I concluded was that knowledge is disappointing. It is luring, and has its uses, but doesn't actually force me to act in accordance with it. It sounds really simple when I put it out like that--but its also frustrating because I can't continue to live in denial that more knowledge is going to make me who I want to be. Anyways, I remembered I still needed a birthday present for my Dad and had been intending on going to Hyde Brothers for sometime--so I spent a good hour aimlessly wandering and rubbing my allergy ridden eyes/nose. I love the feeling of Hyde Brothers, not merely because it's an amazing bookstore, but it's like a book CAVE--so I can successfully manage to feel so secluded that I can forget that other things exist outside of the 12 foot shelves surrounding my every move. I can entertain thoughts of reading Moby Dick or Mediterranian cook books, or any number of books on why America is jacked or why FDR was amazing or even simply hold a tattered, fragile, valuable book hardly bigger than my hand. I got a Henri Nouwen book, a book of Inaugural speeches for my Dad, and a book by Gandhi that looked interesting and hopefully I will get to read before I turn 30. And then the rest of the day has been a blur of Gilmore Girls, reading Henri, walking through buildings, and entertaining various thoughts of my next adventure.

15+48=63 (how many hours I worked this week)

I've worked for Park Center for 7 some months now. I've been a "Case Manager III." I've been a "Behavioral Rehabilitation Technician III." And now I'm a "Case Worker II." And technically, when I was the second, I was listed in the directory as the third--so one could argue that I was never a "BRTIII." Too bad each job title change hasn't come with a pay raise ;0)

Last week, I almost killed 3 parents and 2 4 year olds...approximately. It often works out that when one of us on our team is burnt out, we all quickly follow suit...so we had a nice "intense complaining session" (known by another name that I won't list, but ends with 'fest') on Friday afternoon. But as much as I feel like I'm banging my head against a wall some days or just talking to hear my parents shut me out, I still have yet to have a day in which I haven't truly wanted to go to work.

I think I'm learning that as much as I feel like I'm still deciding where I stand with so many issues, what is important to me always seems to shine through in my decisions and conversations.

I find people to be much more complicated and yet entirely more simple than I thought previously. I can sum all of life's problems up in the curriculum for my 4 year olds, and yet I understand the complexity of my alcohol addicted Mom moving out of Eden Green even though both she and I know her kids lives are at stake. Or the fact that one of my 4 year olds apparent ADHD appears to be entirely a result of his home environment, mainly his Mom having a 11 year old mentality. And as much as she's responsible for that, as much as I know it is not fair to have to put this child on medicine---I know that he will never function without medicine b/c his Mom will not get much better.

There are a lot of people in the world who have opinions about my clients...the unmedicated bipolar mom, the 26 year old with an 11 year old mentality, the welfare moms, the alcoholic living in projects mom, the 22 year olds with 4 kids under 5 living in a trailer, the foster mom, the homeless mom, the mom who doesn't have custody of 5/6 kids....and on and on. Those are all real people that I talk to, interact with, support every day. Their kids have become my own, in many respects. If there's one thing I have learned, in my short lifetime, its that we are all jacked people---and coming out of "jacked up ness" is a lifelong process that we only get varying degrees of "so far" in. I have many facets of "jacked up ness" that I continually cycle in and out of, and receive varying degrees of enlightment about that, depending on my mood, I will or will not act upon.....and I'm not single, with 4 kids, in a trailer, a husband that left me, and no family to support me. I'm not saying that we don't have to deal with consequences, but I would hate if I didn't get grace just for my insignificant consequences let alone what my parents, my clients are living in right now.
The law shows us what is jacked, but it doesn't fix it. I'm still trying to learn what it means to show grace individually to my clients, to motivate/to enlighten my clients into empowerment over their own lives---and if you've ever tried to enlighten ANYONE to change their behaviors--you know its not some little thumb war.

I had a really special moment with a little guy today. I was supposed to meet his Mom at Walmart, to observe him there and her in action with him. I was 10 minutes early and called to confirm--she gets on the phone and is on edge of a breakdown---I'll be there in a few minutes. I get there--(This is the 2 parents, 4 under 5 in a trailer)--Dad's running around, Mom greets me in tears--just on the last nerve. I ask to see him--they point me there and say he's been refusing their redirection. I knock on the door and ask if I can come in. He (5 years old) opens the door, stands there, tears running down his face, toy in hand (which I'm sure he was throwing a few seconds prior)--looking up at me like his world had ended and he didn't know what to do. i make a comment about how much I like his room, he thanks me ;0), and I sit down on the bed--inviting him to sit next to me. I ask him if he needs a hug...he hugs me without reply. "So what's going on, D?" Shrugs. "Are you angry?" "Yeah." "How come?" "I'm hungry" "Why are you in your room?" "I wasn't listening" "So you're throwing toys, because you're angry?" Nods. "Is that making you feel better?" Shakes his head no. "So what can you do to calm yourself down?" Shrugs. I make some suggestions. He decides "lay on my bed." (Not one of my suggestions..;0) And then he cleans up, finishes his time out, eats, and rejoins the family. Absolutely precious. I love this family because they want to change, and also because they think their baby is on the highway to hell--oh girl, let me tell you about my really jacked up kids...hilarious

The-blog-that-must-not-be-named

The inspiration for the title of this blog is due to the fact that I was up until 2 am this morning finishing the last Harry Potter book...which, consequently, I had started at 5 pm last evening. It turned into a bit of an obsession this past week...as I read 3 books in the past 10 days. Nevertheless, there is no feeling like tearing through a good book, rushing though each page with a constant urgency to find out what happens, and completely forgetting my own reality as I am entirely entrenched in the lives of the characters. It was wonderful.
I find myself with a lot of random thoughts, various ambitions these days...I find myself a lot more satisfied in living my own life as it is. I've been thinking a bit about what is right even though social customs often label 'not obligated' or 'awkward.' I've been thinking about what it means to truly meet people on their own terms, not just as they are but on your terms. I've been thinking of moving to Rochester to be with my family. I also find that I'm tired of pursuing. I'm tired of 'yes' not meaning 'yes' and 'no' not meaning 'no.' I work in a setting with too much uncertainty, too many broken appointments and promises, too many intentions and no actions. I just don't care for it in my life. I don't know if its good or bad, but I've reached a place where I'd rather have what is real, even if its difficult to swallow, than what is another intention, another shortfalling, another legitimate reason for letting me down. What is, simply is. We pretend, we disillusion ourselves that we are what we are not. I am who I am, and I won't pretend that I'm what I should and could be. Ah well. Off to be what I'm really not at heart, a rent a cop.