Here's to having Internet!!

There have been quite a few instances in my life in which I've considered how I have come to have the particular friends I have.  All of the "social skills teacher" thoughts in me say "Well, a true friend is honest and kind and has similar interests and makes positive choices and you will try to be that person's friend, etc."  Pssht!  In fact, of all of my closest friends--I can recall only 1 that I was intentional in pursuing friendship--everyone else I didn't feel like we were likely to be friends--too different, separate circles, or I thought they were stuck up (Ruthie Krueger).  But somewhere along the way, we became friends---and I can't imagine having better.  (Okay, that was a bit mushy, I lied--but it's just true)  Though it may seem as though I've decided to blog about how dysfunctional my friends are, it is quite the contrary.  And I'm not getting "mushy" anymore either! 

I find now that I'm old enough to have had friendships for a substantial amount of time and with a certain amount of maturity---and even though most of my friendships now aren't as exciting and emotional and full of adventure and gossip and memorable quotations as they used to be---in fact, quite the opposite--I enjoy the different dynamic--to a varying degree in every friendship there has developed a kind of 'ebb and flow' that comes from knowing each other well, deeply, having a past history.....and we appear resigned/comfortable now to our roles as individuals and in our friendship.  You've become comfortable with who you are, and I as well....that is good.  

In a similar fashion, I've come to feel this way in regards to my relationship with the Lord.  So much back and forth, emotion--every kind, history, knowing me in entirety--infinitely more than any other friendship, naturally--and how nice it feels to be moving into a calmness, a rhythm of loving and being loved, a deeper/more meaningful understanding of him, others, myself---an acceptance of things as they are and with that a renewed desire to just be in friendship with him.  

Dreher did it first!!!

As I am piggy backing on someone's unsecured internet signal for the weekend....and Dreher posted a blog I was amused by...and I wanted to express my strong will in continuing a fad somewhere other than Xanga ;0)....some random "confessions" that I'm striving will be new to your eyes....but I promise not too scary, and as I'm pretty predictable I'm sure they'll be amusing

1. I had a best friend in first grade that moved away part way through the year.  It was deeply upsetting to me...I'm not sure if I didn't have many other friends, likely, or if I was just overly sensitive---but I distinctly remember praying that she would move back as well as having reoccurring dreams about her returning for some years following then.  I even still remember her name...isn't that odd?  I feel like I had like PTSD.  Consequently,  I did run into her when I was in 4th or 5th grade again---and she remembered me first.  

2. Sometimes I think my job is a lot of hogwash.  Not that what I do with my kids and parents doesn't work....but the fact that I get paid to play games with kids...teaching them social skills---yes, very important.  But also, completely within the abilities of any parent.  And I feel like every kid would benefit from day treatment....as well as summer camp (day treatment during the summer ;0))  So I guess "hogwash" isn't the correct term---but I feel like working with people has been made into a career because people weren't being good friends/neighbors---it shouldn't have to be someone's job to help others.  I should be a mailman or farmer. 

3. I am a relatively organized person---efficiency is important to me.  Things that make life harder, more inefficient tend to make me agitated.  When I was young this translated into organization, not just of my personal affects but of any of my parents/siblings that I could control.  There were at least 3 times in my childhood in which I spent afternoons organizing my mother's pantry cupboard to look nicer/more efficient and she or my Dad would yell at me b/c then she couldn't find anything.  

4. I went through a "Touched by an Angel" phase.  Like, serious listened to the CD over and over...watched every episode.  

5. I truly knew jack popular music up until I went to college.  Not even necessarily because I listened to all Christian music....because I hardly listened to what I even had....I've just never been one to take much interest in things that don't directly effect me.  If I like it, I know it...if I don't, couldn't tell you who sang that or who is popular right now, etc.  I would often just not acknowledge how little I did know due to embarrassment.  

6. My parents don't have a working dryer (I use the clothesline outback when I come home), a car, a shower (we've always had a bathtub), cable, internet, cell phones (outside of the 2lb pre pay ones they break out for trips/emergencies), or a dishwasher.  For most of my life we had a dryer and car, and at various short term points we had cable/internet.  Many of our kitchen things were my parents wedding gifts from 24 years ago--including our refrigerator.  But they don't get any government assistance and don't particularly want any.  My parents and sister bus/bike to work.  My mom walks to church (1.5-2miles each way).  I love my parents and amv  very proud/grateful for their influence on my life, including my value of living simply.  Nevertheless, I am insecure about having other people at my house, have been and probably always will be.  

7. Sometimes I get sad because I switched from Elementary Education to Social Work.  When I walk through Elementary schools and see all the fun classrooms and learning and adorable kids, I wish for a minute that I could take it back.  I think that I could learn to be content as a teacher.

8. Despite the fact that I've had more than ample opportunities/interactions with people different from me---having a best friend who was deaf when I was 8 or 9, working with the Special Ed kids in middle school for 2 years everyday, living in the inner city and going to school/youth group/camp with mostly poor, minority kids...I still get afraid/nervous about interacting with people different from me.

9. I think that far too many people don't ever consider how the "Western culture of Christianity" is NOT something that even if stretched miles and miles has a legitimate label of being applicable to the "masses"---"life as it should be" or "the only way" or "the best way" or even "how God would want it."  We are a minority, a very serious one, here in America.  And Christianity in America---we're talking miniscule in terms of frame of mind people have ever been able to experience---how dare we think this is "how it should be" or even necessarily "how God intended it to be"  for everyone.  I thank God that I have the experiences I have but I find myself having moved away from so much of that culture....this thought being brought here is mostly inspired by a conversation I had about the ridiculous sham that Children's Church has been made to be.

10. I could eat green bean casserole every meal for the rest of my life.

I suck at posting

I'm a little sad with the reality that it's been nearly 1.5 months since I  posted last.  I am lame.  Tomorrow is my 8 month mark at 3 Wishes.  I had the thought today of how nice it feels to have a semi sort of competent and purposeful flow to my work.  I'm attempting to figure out how to be a less "wear my heart on my sleeves" type of gal.  Yeah, I've pretty much given up on that attempt.  I feel like I am angry for legitimate reasons--but people don't necessarily give a rip about my reasons.  So I'll put them in list format on my blog!  

Things high on my "there are no adequate words for how much I hate you" list

1. Completing my mileage log at the end of every month---each day, each address, each zip code...for the month---truly, takes about 1.5-2 hours...plus I usually store up 2 months at a time because it takes me 3/4 of the month to get around to doing it.

2. Human nature...'nough said.

3. The 'disco stick' song.

4. The fact that many of my parents applying for SSD $$ (that they get for their baby's diagnosis) give more effort to that cause than actually helping their baby to get better (this could be a subpoint to number 2)

5. Meetings.  Loathe, hate, abhor, despise.  Anytime in which inefficiency can reign with such supremacy--I told my supervisor that I would give my 2 week notice if she ever followed through with her "entire day staffing" thought.  She laughed, I've already written the letter.

6. The news.  How dumb do you think I am, really?  And more importantly, why are so many people that dumb?!  This also could be a subpoint of 2.

7. Human Nature.  Enough can't be said.

8.  Yeah, it pretty much all comes back to Human Nature.  I know, I've already written a novel on this topic ;0)

 

9. Having a human nature.

10.  That 'bout sums it up....with the exception of having left over Asian food in my fridge...everything soaks up those flavors!  Dang you fish flavored cheese!

I've decided that the parable of the seed is really "where ITS at."  I'm a seed planter---we're all seed planters and we're all seed "takers" also known as dirt :0)  We don't take all of those seeds...and some of them take a long time to grow...as someone who has made a vocation of "seed planting," I find it to be marginal in the slightest sense of the word.  But that's all you can do, thus leading back to my intense hatred of human nature.  We suck, and we're experts at sucking.  Maybe that's why it takes a special kind of person (or so they say) to "do my job."  Who wants to realize they really really suck for the next 50 years?  I read a verse in...Leviticus? the other day--and I laughed for a good 10 minutes because as many times as I've come across this verse or ones like it I never realized how incredibly hilarious and subtle it is.  "I am the God of all flesh.  Is there anything too difficult for me?"  No argument there.  

In other news, I had a child refusing to follow his mothers directions because he was trying to make me the pizza rolls he stated he would make me for dinner, the day prior.  Absolutely precious, and I apologized to his mom ;0)