Today was a hard day. It seems as though I've had a lot of those lately. I was on the edge of tears a few times, but was able to get some good perspective from the parents and a coworker. My father made the comment that I don't necessarily make unrealistic expectations for myself, but that I set the bar higher for myself than anyone else does. After 5 minutes of ranting, he also tactfully reminded me that I signed up for this job knowing full well what was in store. As my Director says "It's just the nature of the Beast." Both of those things are accurate. Part of me thinks that (or maybe is just in denial) what is most defeating is that I'm not measuring up to my own personal standards. I don't find myself with the words I want or need, I don't find myself with the belief that I'm being effective at what I do. I think a lot of it is ignorance, I just don't understand how what I do is helpful some of the time. I think some of that stems from my lack of creativity due to lack of self confidence due to lack of energy/self discipline....5 points for you, if you followed that train.
So I've decided I'm in denial. I'm in denial about the reality that I'm only 23 and this is my first professional job, which I've been in for less than 5 months. I'm in denial about the reality that I am not as fast as I thought I was about learning. I'm in denial about my lack of self-confidence eroding my creativity. I'm in denial about what a mess my personal life is right now. I need more fixing than my babies do.
2 comments:
Anything worth doing is hard, Jay-Jay. What are the motives behind you setting the bar so high in your life?
Why are you lacking in self-confidence, Jay-Jay? Doesn't God love you? Isn't He always there, in good times and bad, ready to defend you and come to your rescue? There is no condemnation in Christ Jesus...and nothing can seperate us from his love. You can have knowledge of these things...but you need a revelation of them. :D
Jaaay...how is your personal life a mess?
There's no reason why I shouldn't expect myself to do great things, my flesh is weak but if it weren't for that small detail I'd be kicking trash all the time.
Because this is a new job--I don't know it well and its difficult. It's hard to be confident when you're learning. Jesus coming to my rescue isn't the issue---God being there isn't the issue, I know he's there but it doesn't make it any less exhausting. I don't need a revelation--I know those things full well....I need sin to go away so I don't have a job anymore---I need to understand my job better so I can provide my parents with good information and teach my kids competently. I'm not confident because I know I"m still ignorant.
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