When the on fire was "we"

If you were to take all of my memories, over the past 27 years, line them up and categorize them based on intensity of emotion, I have NO doubt that youth group days capture a majority percentage of the "top intensity" spots.  Newsboys, "Yes I Believe," trips in 15 passenger vans, pamphlets, flag poles, prayers for peers, purity pledges, "Heaven's gates, Hell's flames," bible drills, DC Talk, naming and claiming and believing and receiving, secret notebooks, "I Kissed Dating Goodbye," "Book of the Martyrs," spiritual gift inventories, and judging apathetic parents...it was black or white baby, gray area was for unbelievers.

Reflecting on those things now, mostly makes me feel...tired.  Where did we find this seemingly endless supply of energy and passion and heartbreak and conflict and dedication?  Now I'm just happy to commit to a social gathering on a school night.  Ambition looks a lot different on the other side of 23.

I have so many thoughts on this culture perpetuated in which being "on fire" was the definition of a true Christian.  One thought being that it was so powerful because it was "we."  There was a community, with heightened emotion and spirituality---essentially, a "perfect storm" for growth--good, bad, or ugly.  It was a gang culture without the violence or obvious intent to harm/illicit activities.  We belonged to each other, we had a higher calling in midst of a developmental stage begging for independence and adult ambitions, we stood for something.  

Is our "on fire" "we" anymore?  For many of us, the answer is no.  We don't live in a culture that celebrates the "we."  We have to work for the "we."  I don't know what happened between then and now that we can't figure out what "we" means anymore.  Plus, "We" just looks a lot different when you work full time and have kids.  

Another thought is that "on fire" and "doubt" were antonyms.   And grace was just forgiveness.  I'm still working my way out of those nuggets.  Who has learned how to talk about the "gray area?"  The gray area that doesn't hide our sinful nature, but acknowledges that it is a part of who we are now (now meaning out of the garden).  Our generation are skilled "splitters."  My on fire self and my hidden self instead of my whole self has good and bad components.  That is a HUGE difference.  

I think many of us needed that culture, as dysfunctional as it may have left us.  Yes, "on fire" looks a lot different from this side.  I think many of us found ourselves having to push against that culture in college in order to find the balance.  Its scary to me to think about how close I came to walking away from Christianity because of those subtle and scary undercurrents perpetuated in the "on fire" culture.  And I consider myself more fortunate than others.  I'm so grateful for this book and eager to delve into it so we can have good discussions on how to perpetuate a better way for our children especially in light of the ever growing divide between our broader culture and our Christianity.  I want my kids to know who they are, completely, not split into good and bad versions.

This is part of Addie Zierman's synchroblog for "When We Were on Fire" which I am sooo excited to read.  You can buy it here.