I am a grown up, and monsters are real.

I haven't  been as dedicated to this blog in the past two weeks as I wish I had been.  A LOT has happened.  I feel like my mind is in perpetual processing and re-calibrating and developing mode.  Like an emotional/spiritual growth spurt of sorts.
Graduate school has started.  Exhale.  I'm so ridiculously excited.  I was even wide awake before my alarm on the day of orientation...NERD.  You know when you start something and then you get little hints, snippets, pieces of validation and confirmation that this is right where you need to me at this exact moment?  That is this counseling program.  It feels good and safe and engaging and full of the meat and bones that I need so desperately.  They can handle my hard questions.  More to come on that later.

I've had a few moments, conversely, that I don't know what to do with.  There is a point in time, in crisis particularly in which you realize that the "system" isn't what you need it to be.  Good, bad, or ugly; maybe, and definitely inadequate.  Things that are set up to help, hurt.  People that exist to protect, damage.  Places designed to teach, restrict.  Supports there to prevent, only respond.
Monsters are real and I wish that I could pull the blanket a bit further over my head.  I'm the grown up, damn it!  I have a voice and words and countless communication techniques to help me navigate conflict and resistance!  I can't protect this one.  My words fall on deaf ears.  I can't protect those ones.  My words would make the situation worse.  I thought that when I got big the monsters would be scared of me, and I would be brave and scare them away and it would be okay.
But, the scary things aren't tangible or fuzzy or three-headed in my closet.  I can't chase them or hit them or blind them with flashlights.  I can't lock them in a cell or medicate them away.  The scary things are inside of us waiting to creep out.  The scary things are ignorance and fear preventing action and selfishness and anger and judgment and pride.  Pride is the scariest monster.  Pride is the monster that deludes us into thinking we don't have scary things inside of us.  Pride is the invisible monster that destroys and terrifies and jumps out unpredictably.  Pride is the blind monster crushing others in its path while criticizing the Anger monster for yelling.
If someone asked me to create a "system" that was what I needed it to be...to help, to protect, to teach, to support...I would say "everyone find their own monsters---label them, lean into the fear of seeing them face to face, and supervise them as often as you can."  Leaving all the lights on and turning out the closets isn't meant to be an external monster fix, but an internal one.  Find your monster, and don't let it out of your sight.