I'm currently reading "The Problem of Pain" by C.S. Lewis, one of my favorite Christmas presents and something I've always wanted to read. Aside from the topic itself, C.S. Lewis is one of those writers that I can't help but admire with the remarkable level of insight and conceptualization he has on various topics, and all with a side of audacity and sheer gall.
For example, "It is hardly complementary to God that we should choose him as an alternative to hell: yet even this He accepts." Lewis spends an entire chapter and then some describing our deliberate and obsessive behavior to avoid surrender of our will...at all costs.
For some time I've been coming to the unfortunate realization (which is where I was headed with the 11/22 blog and didn't quite get there) that so much of my journey in the past 5-7 years has been one of differentiating and defending myself from...well, mainstream Christianity mostly. Okay, that's not really the realization. More-so the realization is that so much of my energies have been placed in what I felt to be a more thoughtful, critical, better way of approaching and presenting Christianity whereas now I feel like I'm just moving back to that which I spent such a great deal running from and thus kicking myself for burning bridges. Am I listening to Newsboys? Heck no, techno. That's not what I'm saying.
I find myself giving frequent consideration as to why I'm not more vocal about my beliefs, even in saying "God is good," in response to someone's story. I say that I am this thing, and if asked I will answer appropriately, but as for the rest....do we really believe it sufficient that all will be communicated through action?! If I just act like a good person, people will know Christ is Lord. Rationalization for two please? I feel some urgency to rid myself of this cloudiness, this vagueness that seems not only cowardly but offensive.
"I feel myself so far from true feeling of that I speak, that I can naught else but cry mercy and desire after it as I may" Walter Hilton
Do we remember how significant it is for us to say Christ is Lord?
2 comments:
I see myself in this same light, and over the past several months am finally coming to grips with it (what happened to us? Are we the same person now or something?) It seems that because I wanted to separate myself from what I saw as shallow and/or pushy Christianity, I lost my ability to be humble and forthright in what I believe. Immaturity? Arrogance? A little of both, most likely. I think I wanted to be seen as wise, to be able to show others that I had as much culture and intelligence, education, whatever, as anyone else, and therefore could not be a fool. I wanted to have all the answers and to be able to offer them in an almost bipartisan way.
But suddenly I find myself wanting to be a fool more than I want anything else. Little things like the fact that now I respond audibly when I agree with something in the sermon (which I used to find a bit uncomfortable when it came from others). The fact I am suddenly and easily able to say "by the grace of God" and MEAN IT. Is this maturity? I think it's that the more I know the more I realize I do not know. I am so tiny and He is such a great God. What do I care if others see me as a fool? Perhaps I am, but of Him I am entirely certain.
I guess we are the same person...only I'm not married, don't have a house...or an MBA....and I'm wittier...so no, we're not. (like my logic ;0)
I feel you on the "almost bipartisan way" is what it feels like. And "wanting to be a fool more than anything else" has definitely crossed my mind. See, I don't think for me it's as much about not caring, as it as about valuing truth and being aggravated with the truth ignored/clouded/denied..but also an urgency to...well, be blunt and upfront about it.
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